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Sometimes, the most powerful lessons we can learn about ourselves come from personal relationships.
Recently, I had an encounter with a friend where some words were exchanged between us, after which when I was alone with my thoughts, I noticed that I had quite a strong emotional reaction, feeling hurt and confused and feeling unwell within myself.
At first, I struggled to understand why I had such a strong reaction, as usually I am able to remain calm and talk myself through most situations to help make sense of them or come to peace with them. I asked myself again and again: Why was this particular situation so upsetting to me, why was I unable to regain peace or a sense of wellbeing so many weeks after the encounter?
The answer became clearer when I reflected on my Birkman assessment.
My Birkman report highlights what I need to take effective action:
• Truth and consistency: I need clear, reliable information and consistent behaviour from others.
• Individual support and appreciation: I thrive when people notice my contributions and offer honest, sincere feedback.
• Emotional and logical engagement: I respond best to people who consider both feelings and facts, who encourage reflection and dialogue.
When these needs aren’t met, my stress behaviours can be triggered. I may overthink, withdraw, become overly sensitive to criticism or assume the worst case scenario. Even though I can self-regulate and manage my emotions, unmet needs can leave me feeling vulnerable and cautious.
In the situation with my friend, my needs for truth, consistency and acknowledgment weren’t being met. I felt a risk to our friendship, a relationship in which I had allowed myself to be vulnerable. My emotional response wasn’t just about the disagreement itself, but about the underlying unmet needs: clarity, connection and appreciation.
This is where Birkman insights become so valuable, in personal and professional settings:
1. Self-awareness: Knowing your own needs, motivators and stress behaviours helps you understand why certain situations hit harder than others.
2. Relationship awareness: Understanding the needs of others allows you to interpret their behaviour with empathy and adjust your approach.
3. Strategic action: By recognising what triggers your stress or withdrawal, you can set boundaries, seek clarity or ask for support before taking action.
In the workplace, this could mean understanding why a team member reacts strongly to shifting priorities, why another withdraws during conflict or why someone excels when given clear goals and recognition. On a personal level, it helps us notice patterns, make sense of our emotional responses and choose actions that align with our needs instead of reacting unconsciously.
Key takeaway: Our reactions are rarely random. They are tied to our needs, motivators and the environments in which we feel safe or unsafe. The Birkman assessment uncover those patterns, so we can act with clarity, empathy and intention, whether in friendships, teams or leadership.
Have you ever noticed that your strongest reactions to certain situations often link back to an unmet need?
Alice
